protectorate

It had been a rough spring. I'd been working hard trying to salvage the mess that had been made, working from the inside, with my enemy, and also against him, in secret. My friends certainly didn't understand what I was trying to do, nor the hell I'd been through: nerves strong enough to make me vomit on a regular basis, hair falling out, grey cast to my complexion. I've never been good at keeping secrets, especially when it comes to how I feel about people, and secrets being kept on this level -- no matter how passionately I felt about the reasons why -- were doing me in. And I was doing it all for them. Instead of being appreciative, they called me traitor.

On a night when they were being less judgemental, we were all at a show. Versus was on stage, and they talked a little bit about something and then segued into "River", their tribute to Mr. Phoenix, who had died not that long ago. The song and my situation filled me to bursting, I couldn't take anymore. Tears began falling, and soon it was impossible to conceal them.

"Aw, baby what's wrong?" Brown said sarcastically.

"She misses us, you asshole. We've treated her like shit," said Lisa, showing a heretofore undisplayed ability to read other people.

It was too much. I ran. Out of the ballroom, past the tables, past the bar, past the front door, where Sean was sitting idle: nobody else was coming in the door this late at night. I was too distraught to notice him following me as I ran up the stairs and into the ladies' room. As I had my breakdown in front of the mirror, he burst through the door and grabbed me in a bear hug.

"Who do I need to beat up this time?" he said.

I lost it. Tears turned into giant belly laughs, and soon we were both on the beer-soaked landing of the women's room, holding each other and laughing.

"You followed me in there to ask me that?" I asked. "And wait a minute. What do you mean by this time?"

Posted by lux at September 25, 2003 10:25 AM