Only One Pixel

I am in a polyamorous relationship. I say this rather than saying "I am polyamorous" because I am not sure, in fact, that I am, in fact constitutionally polyamorous. I'm in this type of relationship because the level of trust and commitment and communication I have with my partner are enough that any insecurity I might have about either of us seeing other people can be dismissed. I am not sure that it would work this way with anyone else as my primary partner. That being said, I am not sure it is working, at least not for me.

My partner has another girlfriend he has been in a loving and committed relationship with for the past three years. I don't. I haven't, ever. I've had a few experiences which turned out to be disastrous, so while I am entirely certain that it is, in fact, possible to love more than one person at the same time (I have experienced that part of the equation), I am not sure if it would work for me to be intimately entangled (both figuratively and literally) with more than one. I'm not sure it'll ever be possible for me to find another partner that would work out, and today I am writing to illustrate why.

Let's say this red circle represents the number of people I am attracted to. We'll include friends, co-workers, random strangers on the train or bus, people I see at shows or other group events, basically anyone who catches my eye.

This blue circle over here represents the number of people who are attracted to me. Certainly there are a few; it may even be a rather large number. I can only be aware of those who make their attraction to me known, so it's a nebulous number at best, but they are out there, so we'll take that as a given.

Here, the two circles intersect to form a purple region. Since this is a basic Venn diagram and we all studied those in school at some point or another, you should be able to logically assume that the area where the two circles intersect is roughly equivalent to my potential dating pool, or PDP, where mutual attraction leads to the possibility for dating.

Except it is more complicated than that. Let's start with my personal foibles. First off, I am straight. So no matter how hot that girl at the bar making eyes at me is, I am (so far) unable to develop the kinds of emotional attachments with women that I am with men. I've been told every girl is just looking for the right woman to come along and rock her world, and I won't discount the possibility if it happens, but it hasn’t so far, so I prefer to say that I am straight. Which narrows both circles down by approximately half, but instead of scaling them down, we will just assume that the circles only represent populations of males.

Secondly, I am notoriously picky. Anyone who has spent more than fifteen minutes with me is probably aware that I have a "type". The "type" is not always manifested in physical appearance, but more often than not I am a slave to my desires.

I have been accused of only liking "cute" men. I don't feel like debating whether or not this is actually true, because it's way more than a physical "type". The main flaw I have when searching for prospective partners is that I am a smart girl. I cannot bring myself to even have a one-nighter with someone that I can't have a reasoned, intelligent conversation with. Said conversation must also include topics I give a flying fig about. I might be able to talk intelligently about carburetors or hockey with someone for hours, but unless we have some kind of common ground in books, movies, music, politics or sense of humor, I'm not going to be interested in boinking them. And boinking isn't necessarily what I am after. I like the idea of commitment -- of shared intimacy and everything that goes with it. I'm not prone to sleeping around, because sex isn’t a huge focus for me. It's fun, to be sure, but it's not my number one priority. Good sex is never a reason to stay in a bad relationship. Sex for the sake of sex is not a reason to compromise my principles and deny myself what it is that I actually want. So my slice there in the middle, the common ground, actually represents a very small percentage of the male population. I can crush on someone, initially, for about three days, tops, if they don't meet my model of reasoned intelligence. After that I rapidly lose interest, such that said crushee who filled my fantasy for three straight days, becomes a moron, beneath even contempt.

So, to sum up my flaws: I am both shallow and deep at the same time. I want someone who rocks my socks off with their bedroom eyes while also talking to me about the relative merits of cinematic techniques or minor chords. That type of situation in general is what every girl wants, but I seem to be way more picky than most. The amount of people I have actually crushed hard on in my life is very very small. So let us remove the circle from Figure A and concentrate on the other circle, and the space between.

Let’s be brutally honest for a moment. The men I have met so far who embrace polyamory in their lives are, in general, not men I want to date. They are goths or hippies or hopeless nerds, none of which fits my actual peer group.

I am somewhere between a geek and an indie rocker. I don’t really exist in one continuum or the other. The problem with my actual peer group is that it is made up of sensitive boys who believe in the one-on-one ideal of twoo wuv, which is a beautiful thing. Most of them haven't ever stopped to consider other modes of relationships. Right now they all want to get married and/or have kids. Maybe some of them will change their minds over time, but most of them are serious softies. The good news about my peer group is that they're all fairly open-minded free thinkers, and pretty practical. Once exposed to the idea, they're not always totally against it, and they, being geeks, are pretty practical, so they can see how it might work. There's a difference between those who see it working in practice and those who are willing to try it. I am partnered with one, and there are a few others I've met, but they are as rare as two-headed kittens. So since my peer group doesn't consist of men who are into the idea, and I can't date men I'm not attracted to, I have to work with what I've got. Let's remove the other circle, and focus on the area in the middle.

The inside of this here area is going to focus on specifics. As in, these are specific scenarios I have encountered with multiple multiple prospective datees, taken from an amalgam of interactions.

Scenario number one: "I am married."
Scenario number one is hardly worth mentioning, because it's usually nothing more than an offhand comment this man makes from the security of his wedding band. "If I weren't married and monogamous, I'd be all over you." This happens to me more often than anyone would ever believe. See also "in a long-term monogamous commitment" replacing "married" in the above statement. This scenario can be casually dismissed. Occasionally, this has led to experimentation with polyamory on the part of the married couple, but this is also very rare.

Scenario number two: "I am crazy."
Fortunately, it doesn't usually take too long to figure out that someone is batshit insane. Usually. But with this man sometimes it is an insidious form of insanity that creeps up on you when you least expect it. Subtle controlling behavior. Manipulation in the form of becoming everything I want until we're close, and then withdrawing it all once I'm reeled in. I've been in this situation a few times now and funnily it's always with guys who think that they are the most centered, self-aware human beings in the universe. Anyone who stresses how self-aware and centered they are now automatically triggers my alarm button. I won't be involved in this kind of scenario again, if I can help it.

Scenario number three: "I am wigged out that you have a boyfriend."
Doesn't matter to this guy that I am free to do whatever I want within the context of my current relationship. Free as in I could kiss him, I could sleep with him, I could date him casually, or even get into a long-term committed relationship with him. This man is often concerned that being involved with me would mean threesomes with me and my partner. Ugh, no. The idea is repugnant to me. This man is often really concerned that he'd mess up what I already have with my partner. How egotistical. If our relationship hasn't fallen into the gutter with what we've experienced already, it's not likely to. This man also insists that he needs a level of commitment I cannot give, which is basically code for "if I can't own you, I don't want you at all". I can't make someone accept my life the way it is and still want to date me -- it's something they have to come to acceptance of on their own, if they think I'm cool enough. And it can be done. It's taken me years to rewire myself from someone who is basically a monogamist at heart to acceptance of this lifestyle. Every song we hear, book we read, and film we watch reinforces that the only acceptable form romantic relationships take is one-on-one. This scenario is always the hardest to deal with because it feels like being cut off at the pass. Nobody ever likes me enough initially to take the risk, and by eliminating the possibility of dating me at all, they never grow to like me enough.

Scenario number four: "If I play my cards right, I can get into a threesome with this girl."
No, you can't. Not saying I wouldn't ever consider it, but if that's all you're wanting out of this interaction, then you might want to look elsewhere.

OK, now we can remove these four groups from my little middle area, and as you can see

I have nothing left. Well, next-to-nothing. I have one pixel. One pixel which comprises maybe five people in the entire Bay Area. Which is not exactly a small sample size. So here are my options.
a) Wait around until I meet one of the five
b) Wait patiently until someone can get past scenario three long enough to realize I'm the coolest girl in the universe.
c) Break up with my partner and hit the road as a single hot momma again.

A and B are right out, because waiting for anything gives me hives. I have been told I have the patience of a saint, but that is not true. I am highly impatient. I am just really good at repressing it. So you might think C is the most viable option. But it isn't. Because if I wanted to break up with my partner, I wouldn't be in this situation at all. I would have broken up with him when we initially considered it, and gone on my merry way. So I'm stuck with options D or E. D: Be frustrated, or E: learn to appreciate what you already have. I'm currently living a mixture of the two while I follow options A and B. And it sure is itchy.

Posted by lux at July 22, 2004 04:22 PM