May 31, 2004

Confidential to LHF:

Less tongue, more tooth.

Posted by lux at 12:53 AM | Comments (0)

May 25, 2004

an open letter to former friends

M: You've no idea how much I miss you. Every pretty girl in every tv show, music video, and movie is you. Sometimes I feel that if I had you around, even just via phone, the rest of my life would be so much easier to deal with. "Shut the fuck up and deal," you'd say. And things would seem better. And I could shut the fuck up and deal. I can only imagine that you felt I was being so stupid that you dropped me from your life so you wouldn't have to deal with the fallout. But look! I'm still here. I'm still alive. I'm still in love with the same person. I belong here.

S: I keep expecting you to randomly show up at my door one day, just like you used to. If you happen to be reading this, I'm sure my address isn't hard to find. Or email me, for Pete's sake. M once referred to you as "cute boy!" You should know that out of all the male people in my life, you're the only one I've ever considered unequivocally not a boy, but a Man.

T: I apologize. Maybe you're ready to hear it now. I know I didn't do the best job of conveying that I was not interested in you in that way. You really didn't want me. Not in the state I was in. I promise.

M2: I'm not sure what it was that I represented for you, but I was certainly a lot more than just a friend. We connected on a deeper level than that, but I'm not sure what it was. When I think about you, I find myself confused. I wish I knew where you were and what you were doing. I wish I had some way of finding you, to let you know that things turned out OK.

J: Whatever.

A: I have given up trying to understand what it is you want from me. I can't be the friend you want me to be. I can only be me. If you can't accept me, then I guess I don't need your friendship. Maybe your therapy will help you learn that, someday. Or maybe it will keep you on the path of discarding your friends at your whim, until you've no-one left.

B: I appreciate the fact that you made me feel like maybe I was cool. But if you ever come near me again I will cut you.

Posted by lux at 06:51 AM | Comments (4)